I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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