Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
