I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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