Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
