i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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