There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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