so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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