Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
