This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Acid is not a monday night drug
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
