Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
