I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry about my life...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
