dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
