so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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