I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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