I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
