If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
