Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
