Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
