Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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