I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i think i have herpe
just one?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
