I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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