I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Even my vagina gasped.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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