I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
