Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
