rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
