Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
