even my farts smell like vagina
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
