I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
