Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
