dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
