my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
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