I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
