Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
