remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
