how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
