Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
