In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Having a random hookup so left but love u
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
