She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
