Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
