I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
