I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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