I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
