So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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