Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
