Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Even my vagina gasped.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
