im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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