i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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