Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
