I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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