There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
