He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
