I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
