I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
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