Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
